I would make a horrible Central Asian wife.  Of course, I would like to think there was some other, more meaningful, lesson learned from living with a Kyrgyz host family for seven weeks, but that might constitute lying.  The truth be told, I let my own personal views of man versus woman get in the way of seeing the other side of this cultural difference during my time in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. 

It started off in April 2008, when I dropped my backpack in my sparsely furnished room in a two-bedroom flat in Bishkek.  The slightly clinical feel of the cold linoleum floor and pealing 70s yellow wallpaper was minimally subdued by the Central Asian rugs that adorned one wall.  “Insulation,” I thought.  Without those three area rugs, those which we Westerners would normally assume cover the floor, there would have been nothing else in the room to absorb any sound whatsoever.

photo by Brooke SchoenmanThe Russian language school I was attending placed me with a host family consisting of a father, a mother and two children.  From our very first dinner together, the dynamics of place within the family became clear.  The wife worked at the call of the husband – serving him (and us) during dinner, washing his clothes, packing his bag – and never, ever would she be allowed to talk back.  Even when the conversation between her and her husband got so heated that I could see the frustration welling up in her eyes, she bit her tongue and remained silent.  This sort of obedience sent my modern-thinking mind into a tailspin; it was at these moments that it was probably best I couldn’t speak Russian. 

Since my host family comprised the majority of my knowledge of the role of the woman in Central Asia, my curiosity forced me to investigate further.  My Russian language teachers, all being young and educated women, became targeted sources.  From them I was better introduced to the marriage practice known as bride-snatching.  As seen through the eyes of a foreigner, this method could simply be explained as the kidnap and rape of an innocent woman, though I found that Kyrgyz women were unphased by this practice.   Once the woman is forced to spend the night at a man’s house, she is either a ruined woman or succumbs to the snatcher. 

One teacher, when questioned on this subject, left me completely gob-smacked by admitting she would more than likely succumb to a bride-snatcher if she merely knew the man.  I remember not having the words to express my disbelief; I just sat there at the table asking repeatedly, “Pochemy?  Why?  Why?” The lesson could not continue.   

The problem here spawned from my own life experiences and life preferences blocking the acceptance of this alternative way of life.  I have acquired a vision of young and educated women like my teachers as being more independent and, possibly, more for equality between men and women.  Yet, there she was, my favorite teacher; the one that I felt like I had the best connection with out of all my Russian teachers; the same one to contradict my theory.  I know she did her best to level with me at this moment and explain a thing or two about her culture, but I just couldn’t imagine myself going in one day from single to married to a random acquaintance and being completely copacetic with the situation.  Therefore, I couldn’t imagine anyone else doing it either.  My nearly offending question session got us nowhere. 

photo by Fred JalaA personal encounter later sealed the idea that I would never make a good Central Asian wife.  An American male also studying at the language school rented an apartment in Bishkek, thus inviting a few friends over for tea and snacks.  All of these friends also happened to be male, students from the language school and residing from England or America – except for one new Kazakh acquaintance.  As our new Kazakh friend noticed that a male (the apartment owner and host) was so kindly pouring everyone tea from a dainty silver teapot, he asked in a bewildered yet serious tone, “Wait, there’s a girl here.  Why are you pouring the tea?” 

His comment very clearly relayed the idea that I automatically had a role to play because of my gender, and I was having none of that.  Sure, we all had a good chuckle while my comrades helped to clarify the situation, but experiences like these stuck with me for quite some time, shaping my opinion of Central Asian culture in respect to the modern woman.  I started walking down the streets of Bishkek – dirt in the air sticking to my skin – and thinking, “Watch out, Kyrgyz boys.  You’re not snatching this one!” 

It was still early days into my Kyrgyzstan adventure, and as time passed, I thought about the topic less and less.  I moved into a typical Soviet-style apartment block with my friends.  Life slowly became more normal in my previously abnormal stomping grounds, and one day near the end, it struck me that things had changed.  Walking down the same streets as before, only this time much sweatier from the unforgiving July heat (and thus, much dirtier), I came to the realization that I had it quite good as a woman in Central Asia. 

photo by Neiljs

I thought about my time spent visiting a friend in Kazakhstan where dropping a notebook on the ground was not to be touched by my hands. I thought further about the times random taxi drivers went out of their way to make sure I found the right marshrutka (van taxi), even going as far as to negotiate prices on my behalf. I thought about the times men hurriedly grabbed whatever heavy bag I might have in my hands, or times I ended up being the sole person seated because men eagerly offered me the only chair in the room. Yes, when all my guy friends would tell stories of random police incidents from bag searches to bribery, I was happy to be a woman in Central Asia. 

I stopped in my tracks with the realization of the 180 degree revolution in thinking.  Suddenly, the idea of pouring some guy’s tea did not seem so daunting.  

Perhaps it was merely the fact of slightly assimilating into the culture after four long months, or maybe it was the intense heat wave present during this time of late July. I suddenly began to think that maybe it really wasn’t all negative when it came to being a woman in Kyrgyzstan. The experiences picked up in April after first dropping my backpack in that stark bedroom, the one with rugs hanging from the walls like wrapping paper remnants, all seemed at that moment to have been blocking the intake of the other side of being a woman in these unknown lands.    

photo by Brooke Schoenman

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Brooke Schoenman is a twenty-something world traveler turned blogger.  She left America in 2007 to travel the world and is now living in Sydney, Australia.  Read more of her world travel stories on Brooke vs. the World. Brooke recently began a newsletter called Female Travel Underground - sign up for the newsletter here.

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Some historical and current information on the practice of bride-snatching compiled by GoGalavanting Contributing Editor Shanna Quinn.

Bride-snatching has long been a part of Kyrgyz culture and it’s origins aren’t officially known, but it’s suspected that when rural families were too poor to pay dowries or the exchange goods during the matrimonial celebration, that families agreed to have the bride kidnapped as a way around this obligation. What once was a staged snatching has now become a serious human rights violation in Kyrgyzstan. As Brooke’s experience indicates, bride-snatching isn’t often spoken about or even condemned, but according to the Human Rights Watch study “Reconciled to Violence” (2006) it’s reported that 40% - 80% of women were kidnapped or coerced into marriage - the exact percentage depends on the location (rural areas see an increased number of kidnappings). 

Bride-snatching is illegal in Kyrgyzstan as well as in several surrounding countries, but law enforcement rarely involves itself in this practice. According to the Kyrgyzstan criminal code, it’s illegal for any woman younger than 16 years old to marry and non-consensual marriage can be punishable up to 5 years in prision or a hefty fine. 

In the 2004 PBS Frontline reporter Petr Lom went to Kyrgyzstan to investigate the practice of bride kidnapping.  His report shows the struggle the Kyrgyz people have balancing tradition with modern practice.  To read Lom’s report or watch a video Kyrgyzstan: The Kidnapped Bride go here.

photo thumb on feature page by Baba Steve.