When our kids were one and three, my husband was offered a two-year assignment in England. Since extensive European travel was our primary motivation for going, we lost no time buying a stack of family travel guidebooks.

Once we had finished whooping and dancing around the living room in the manner of people who have been bee-stung between the toes, that is.

The guidebooks offered plenty of advice, none of it earth-shattering: Young children can nap in the car. Pacifiers help babies equalize. It’s nice to have a kitchen. And so on.

The web sites were no better.

Fast forward a few years. Now I have my own family travel website, and a strong desire not to talk down to my readers.

I did some research, and found that most online family travel advice fell into one of three categories: the Blinding Flash of the Obvious, the Smugly Patronizing, and the Just Plain Bizarre.

Take this fun quiz to see if you can spot the subtle differences!

1. Bring plenty of snacks. Now I don’t know about you, but I noticed early on my children’s propensity to periodically, you know, consume food.
2. Make frequent bathroom stops. Ditto urinating.
3. Bring a change of clothing on the plane. Ditto barfing.
4. Visit kid friendly attractions. Or as your second grader will be happy to clarify for you, Petting Zoos > Cathedrals.
5. Bring your child’s lovey. What sane person would leave the driveway—let alone the country—without the freaking lovey?
6. Bring small gifts for people you might befriend on your trip. Yes, and also bring black tie attire in case you’re invited to dine at Buckingham Palace.And your scuba gear.And your rock collection.And a complete set of encyclopedias.You know, just in case.
7. Bring a metal cookie sheet to corral small toys and crayons on airplane tray tables. See #6.
8. Write your cell phone number on your children’s arm with a Sharpie. I actually kind of like this one, though obviously it sets a bad precedent and could easily lead to Sharpie beards and Sharpie pirate mustaches.
9. Buy postcards in the museum gift shop so your children can search for “their” paintings and sculptures treasure hunt-style in the museum.This nugget of wisdom was obviously brought to us by a person who has never visited an actual museum gift shop with an actual child.
10. To build anticipation, let your kids pack their own bags. What kind of anticipation would that be exactly? The-what-would-it-be-like-to-wear-Superman-pajamas-to-the-Louvre kind of anticipation? Umm, no thanks.

Did you answer B, B, B, S, B, J, J, J, S, J?  If so, you probably have a mountain of unfolded, clean laundry somewhere in your house. Same here.

Coming soon: family travel tips you can actually use. Watch this space. ■

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Jamie Pearson is a writer, mother of two, and the founder of travelsavvymom. She has traveled extensively with and without her children.

Her top three pieces of family travel advice are 1) Never leave home without peanut butter, 2) No child is too big for a stroller, and 3) Bring plenty of new toys—$50 for three pounds of plastic crap will seem like the deal of the century at 3am in a London hotel.